I know, I know – but the sex is so good right? Like; soooooo good. Like; soooooooo guuu—buddy; I get it. But there’s more to a relationship than getting laid, especially when everything outside of the sex is creating havoc in your world.
Can we take a minute while I tell you some true things?
Good sex is not actually hard to come by. Finding good people to have awesome sex with can be a completely different story; but as for the deed itself? I promise you, there is more out there. If you’re thinking ending this relationship means the end of a rocking sex life, we need to talk about scarcity mindset. Scarcity mindset is the belief that there isn’t enough of something to go around, and it traps us into situations and patterns that aren’t helpful (and sometimes even downright harmful) by flooding us with fear. If you’ve got a voice in your head telling you this is all there is; the best you can do, all the good people are “taken”, or that you’ll never find another awesome lover again, make getting that voice under control priority number one.
Now, let’s figure out what makes that sex so good shall we? Because once you know that – you can replicate it!
They know about buttons I never knew I had
Fantastic – because now you do know about them. Figure out the moves that are driving you wild so that when you’re having exploratory sex (you know, that fun, get to know you sex?) with a new partner you can give them a short cut to your pleasure by sharing what you know about your body. But do yourself a favour and don’t start your sharing with my ex used to…. Try something like I really like when…. Or It feels so good when…. Or There’s something about touching my ___________ in this light way that drives me crazy; but it’s hard to describe; wanna help me find it? Feel free to insert an eyebrow waggle after that last one!
But I’ve got this ….quirk…..
You and just about everyone else. No really. People are giving themselves permission to explore sex and sexuality in ways that they never have before and learning all sorts of things about how they like to get down – so chances are you are not alone. Into BDSM? Got a specific fetish? Dig on tantra or other sacred sexualities? All about multiples (take that as you will!) – or something else entirely? You are not alone. Use things like google, facebook, meetup.com and fetlife.com to connect with other people who are into the same thing. Finding people who share your sexual appetites doesn’t guarantee you a perfect fit relationship-as-a-whole; but it’s a good place to start.
You are not alone.
It’s just so passionate
I ask you; what has stopped you from connecting to your passion in the past?
Did you not trust lovers with your vulnerability – too hung up on what your face might be doing; or that your honest sounds of pleasure would be somehow unwelcome? Share you insecurities with your next lover before you hop in the sack. Share with them the things that box you in your head so they can help get you out and into your body. Also, start adding sounds when you exhale; a sigh here, and ugh there. Get used to making and hearing your natural sounds. If you need to, ask permission from your lover to make sounds; or better yet, go stand in front of a mirror and give yourself permission to make sounds.
Did you simply not know how to work your body to find pleasure worthy of being passionate about? Go spend some time learning; read a book, take a class, work with a coach or counsellor (there are hands on and hands off options out there). Carve out time in your schedule and make a date to get in touch with your body and its pleasure. Spend some time getting passionate with yourself. Give yourself permission to be passionate with yourself.
Did you give your lovers permission to be passionate? Just as you have barriers keeping you from connecting with your most passionate self, so do other people. Letting your lover know you appreciate and desire that passionate side of themselves can help give them the permission they need to be as passionate as they want.
Good sex is good sex; great sex is great sex – but it’s not magic; it’s a skill that you can bring with you to your new lovers and new relationships. You don’t need to stay with a toxic person just because the sex is good.
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