When Women Coerce – and What We Can Do About It

There is a fantastic article on ravishly right now that I truly encourage you to read.  I’m going to put the link down at the bottom of the page, because I don’t want you to be scared off by the title.  It’s about consent, and how we as women sometimes fail to practice is as well as we should, especially in our relationships with men.  So, before I send you away to read the article, I want to give you some practical solutions for tackling this and bringing the conversation of consent into your relationship.

You’ve probably been there; you want sex, but your partner is hesitant.  And while there are definitely reasons for having sex you might not be super enthusiastic about having, it’s imperative that you stay on the right side on consent here.  If your partner says no and you turn to aggressive seduction, coercion or emotional manipulation you’re on the wrong side.

Author Suzannah Weiss writes some hard truths in this piece, but I think it is so completely necessary:

The truth of the matter is, if you convince someone to sleep with you, then the sex is not 100% consensual. It’s not necessarily rape, but it is a form of misconduct…. Women especially often don’t see when we’re violating someone’s boundaries because of the myth that we’re incapable of sexual misconduct. We’re taught that men always want sex and that we’re not powerful enough to make them do anything. The media depicts women’s attempts to manipulate men into sex as cute, comical, and always welcome. That, too, is dangerous.

This concept, that women can and do (and are often socialized) to use emotional manipulation and coercive tactics to get our own way when it comes to sex is such an important part of the overall discussion about consent in our culture – the fact is that sexist double standards flow all manner of ways, and when we know better we *must* do better.

Romantic DinnerI’m a huge fan of seduction, especially if I’ve had a long day and I’m not necessarily in the mood for date night.  One of my favourite things to do is greet my lover dressed up in lingerie; or in nothing but heels and a smile.  Dressing up or playing the part of seductress helps me push the idea of Netflix and popcorn further back into my head and gears me up for the sex I really do want to be having.  But I need to make a point of being considerate of my lover and making sure they know sex doesn’t have to be on the table.  Often opening the door to high heels and sheer fabric helps connect them to the sex they really want too, but it’s so important to me that they know sex isn’t mandatory.  I’ve been fortunate to have relationships with men who were willing to be honest about their fears of having to preform the role of macho man and all the tropes that come with it.  Through their honesty we could negotiate how we could indulge my enjoyment while balancing it with their emotional security.

I want seduction to be an invitation, not an obligation.

If this article gives you feels, I encourage you not to abandon your attempts to initiate sex with your partner, but rather talk with them about how they like to be seduced. Learn when a playful push is welcome and when it isn’t, and share with them how they can communicate with you where they’re a no with minimal feelings of rejection on your part and create a go to back up plan so you two can still be intimate without the pressure of sex (my go to is snuggling and comedy; lightens the mood and we still get physical connection.

Give the article a read, and like I said, if it kicks up feelings, remember this is a moment you can grow and find ways to connect even more authentically with your lovers.  And if you need support around having this conversation, or even learning how to talk to your partner about sexuality reach out, that’s what I”m here for!

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