I like attention – not in the please stop me and tell me I”ve got a great rack (even though I do), but being seen and heard, and having people show up with their full self to engage with me. I love being the centre of your universe – though only for a brief while, and I cherish being invited in.
I updated one of my online profiles to say that today. It’s something I know to be true about myself and important for someone considering a relationship with me to know. I’ve known this about myself for a while, but I’ve been sitting on it. Sitting on it because I was afraid of what putting this truth out there would mean; that I might now be seen a selfish, or demanding. Or if I’d have to turn in my poly card for saying in this instance I don’t like to share in this way. Or this might be the tipping point from yes to no.
We silence ourselves in so many ways when we’re looking for relationships. Covering up the bits that make us inconvenient, or difficult or awkward. Best to cast a wide net, right? Hook as many as possible, so you can widdle down from there.
But the truth is casting a wide net is a bad idea for me. I’m not the most easy going or convenient person to date. I know what I want, what I’m willing to compromise on, and what I’m not. Yes this does make me less desirable to a number of people out there in the world – but in turn, they aren’t all that desirable to me, and why should I place being desirable to someone above someone being desirable to me – after all; I have to be in the relationship too!
By putting my truest self upfront when dating helps the people who are interested in me, with all my uniqueness, quirks, and complexities find me, and starts any potential relationship off on a better foot.
Sometimes, the ways I try to shrink myself, to silence or lessen myself for someone else can feel immense, but really I know this isn’t true. I know it’s not true because the very fact that I can now recognize when I’m disempowering myself is proof of how far I’ve come in my journey to living a sexually empowered life.
Empowerment: getting to this place, and staying in this place for me, has always been a case of recognizing the problems, figuring out how to do differently and the moving forward, better than before. Not perfect, but better each and every time.
Honestly and vulnerability – two things that produce fear in me. But, despite those fears, knowing I’m operating from a place of authenticity, and knowing what power that holds still feels pretty damn good.