I want to start this post by sharing something with you. I’m smack dab in the middle of relationship grievings. One of the things that rarely gets talked about in polyamory and nonmonogamy is that sometimes those multiple relationship you’re in all end around the same time. Which means all the sadness, disappointment, loneliness, uncertainty, self-blame and self-doubt hit at the same time. Just as each relationship was unique, it comes with its own grieving process – and I’m in the swamp lands right now.
Meanwhile out in the world, it’s the season of love. Commercialized or not, February always brings two things to my mind: Is winter ever going to end? And love. Rebel against the commercialization all you want (no, seriously, please do!), but a chance to celebrate love will always come down to a good thing in my books.
Yes, even when I’m much more single than I’ve been in a while.
I posed the question How do you fall more in love with yourself over on my facebook page, and while I wanted to share an answer it’s much too long for a picture comment.
I fall more in love with myself by working on my relationship to me. When you break that down, it’s 100 little things I do to remind myself I’m important to me, I like me, I find me attractive, I trust me, I want a future with me. It’s basically all the things I do to grow any of my intimate connections turned inwards.
I speak love in a way that I can hear it.
When I want my lover to know I care, I make sure to use their love language. When I want myself to know I care, I’m sure to speak in my love language – words of affirmation (like eye gazing with myself in the mirror and saying out loud I like you so much! Or writing love poems on my mirror to read each day) and quality time (planning solo date nights, or making time to give myself a manicure). I had to scrap what other people told me signaled self love so I could find a way to express love in a way myself would actually hear.
I look good for me
This definitely isn’t top of the list for everyone, but as a femme I love using style to express myself and look good for myself. That does not mean that I’m always dressed up. Sometimes dressing for myself means giving myself an extra confidence boost; sometimes it means creating a cosy outfit when I’m feeling down or small and need to go out into the world anyways. Style can be as much amour as it can be protection – but the key is that I’m doing it for me.
I listen to me
If something is off in my relationship with me, I need to be open to hearing that. Just like in relationships with others you can’t burry your head in the sand and expect a problem to magically fix itself. I check in with myself by taking note of my feelings and emotional landscape, and yes, sometimes that means sitting in some really sad feelings – but a key part of communication is listening. And the better attention I’m paying to my own internal voice the faster I can move through bumps and continue a healthy, strong relationships with my most authentic self. I work through my feelings and needs by journaling, reflecting to myself, and sometimes even working with a coach.
This weekend, in addition to being in the swampland of relationship grief, I’m going to spend some time loving on myself. I’m not sure yet if that means a trip to a relaxing spa centre, enjoying wine and a candle lit dinner with myself, or even a big bowl of popcorn + Netflix marathon to finish off season 1 of Witches of East End.
How are you going to show yourself love this Valentines? Let me know in the comments, or send me an e-mail!