Even when it’s scary…..

Knowing you need to have a difficult conversation is one thing.  Feeling prepared to actually have that conversation is another – and I don’t even mean a conversation in which we’re asking someone to recognize a way we’ve been hurt or telling someone we need to change our relationship.  Any conversation that pokes at our vulnerabilities, raises our insecurities or we feel invested in a particular outcome could fall under the category of difficult conversations. This includes something as “simple” as asking someone to meet our desires, or figuring out if they share our attraction.

It’s great practice to front-load our conversations by sharing our fears and asking for support before we get into the meat of the conversation, but it can be tricky to identify how to figure that our.

Start by finding a quiet space for yourself. Bring up the idea of what you need to talk about – try to avoid running the conversation in your head, or guessing at the person’s reactions. Just think in general like: I want to tell someone I like them and find out if they like me too.  Or I need to figure out how I can feel more secure in my new relationship.

Conversation by Valery Kenski

Conversation by Valery Kenski

Now that you’ve got that clear, start with the why:  Why do you want to have this conversation? To fix a problem, to figure out if you should put more energy into the connection, to feel heard so you can move past whatever’s got feeling the feels?  Clarity on why is this conversation is important can help remind you why it’ll be worth it.  Also, it’ll make sure you’re having the conversation with the right person.    Next, consider these specific questions: You might find it helpful to write out your answers in bullet form below the questions (it’s often more than one single thing)

What am I afraid of losing?
What am I afraid of being judged over?
What feels scare/in short supply?

Stop of a minute to grab a glass of water to take a few deeps breaths. It’s scary to wrangle these thoughts questions so take excellent care of you, but don’t stop yet, I’ve got 3 more questions for you:

What do I need to feel safe enough to say something scary?
What do I need to believe I’m not being judged?
What would help me believe in abundance right now?

Once that you’ve got some clarity on what’s challenging about this convo and how you can take some of the challenge away, use that information to support yourself while doing the scary thing.  If it’s starting a difficult conversation with a loved one you can use your fears to ask for compassion and specific support from the other person. If it’s less of a conversation and more of an invitation you want to give someone, use what you’ve learned to pep talk yourself around your fears and offer yourself the compassion you need.

It’s okay to still be scared when you’re having the conversation. Doing things that make us feel vulnerable or challenged are going to be uncomfortable. Become uncomfortable isn’t the same as being unsafe though, so shore up your courage, take a deep breath and go do the thing. I believe in you. ♥

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