Turning friends and acquaintances into lovers can be a tricky path. After all, there’s a line between appreciation and objectification. There’s also line between making your interest clear and making someone else uncomfortable. And most certainly there’s a line between flirty and creepy.
It’s not always easy to walk those lines, sometimes it’s not even easy to see them – but I think part of being an person who both gets lots of sex and is an awesome person is learning how to do just that. So check it: me and some sexy songs have tips for helping you find, and walk those lines!
One: Check your boundaries
If you want me baby here I am
– Get Off; Prince
Do you know this Prince song? Not only is it ridiculously sexy, it’s got some great advice when it comes to hooking up with friends and acquaintances. Seriously, listen to this lyrical content:
How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve?
Starting the conversation is by far the most delicate part. You want to let someone know you’re interested, but if you aren’t certain the other party is interested in you, how do you find that out without completely blowing up the relationship that already is?
You ask casually where the boundaries are. I like to say things like: Do we have the kind of relationship that could include extra friendly benefits? – which is an indirect way of asking if that person is interested in being a friend with benefits. Or, Would you like it if our friendship included sexy benefits? Or even, Do we have the kind of relationship where I can occasionally send you random dirty e-mails on a Tuesday afternoon?
Relatively direct but not outrageously explicit asks let the object of your desire know exactly where you stand while providing an easy way for them to opt in or out.
Two: Respect What’s Being Said
I hate these blurred lines
Blurred Lines; covered by Caela Bailey and Dalisha Phillips
I hate these blurred lines too – because they have no place here. If the answer you get is no, you need to respect that – immediately, as a full sentence. No doesn’t have to come with an explanation, nor provide a reason for their lack of interest. Acknowledge the answer you’ve been given and show it some respect.
Respecting the answer you get is absolutely key to keeping whatever relationship you do have with the person you desire intact. That means not only hearing any negative answer you get, but also not asking constantly just to see if things have changed. I have friends who state the FWB ask can happen once every 5 years. I’d probably say 3 myself – but we should definitely be talking multiple year periods. Believe me; you don’t forget being propositioned; no matter how respectfully it’s been done. If something happens and the object of your desire now desires you the onus is on them to approach you.
Three: Question what’s not being said
Think with your heart
read between the lines
– Between the Lines; Bonobo feat. Bajka
The absence of no is not a yes; neither is maybe. If the answer you got wasn’t a clear yes; you need to figure that out before you go any further. Stating boundaries, “rejecting” someone, or disappointing people can be hard for people. Do them a favour – and the current connection you’d prefer not to jeopardize – get clear. It’s okay to tell people you need active consent before you make a move; or help someone enforce their boundaries by letting them clearly know it’s okay to say no (Nervous giggle eh? Shall I take that as a no? Because it’s a completely acceptable answer). While it’s true that this might not get you lots of sex in the short term, it will help your awesome person cred which directly relates to you getting lots of sex in the long game – here’s why:
Four: Find like-minded people
I do believe that we are practicing the same religion
– Fast Love; George Michael
People talk – and when they’re looking for hook ups they turn to their friends. If you’ve proven yourself to be an awesome person who is respectful of consent, and dtf – you’re going to get recommendations. And the people who seek out recommendations for casual connections? They hang out with people who also look for recommendations for casual connections – it’s a web that builds and builds upon itself, and as long as you stay awesome, you stay in it.
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