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How do you Fall More in Love with Yourself?

I want to start this post by sharing something with you.  I’m smack dab in the middle of relationship grievings.  One of the things that rarely gets talked about in polyamory and nonmonogamy is that sometimes those multiple relationship you’re in all end around the same time.  Which means all the sadness, disappointment, loneliness, uncertainty, self-blame and self-doubt hit at the same time.  Just as each relationship was unique, it comes with its own grieving process – and I’m in the swamp lands right now.

Meanwhile out in the world, it’s the season of love.  Commercialized or not, February always brings two things to my mind:  Is winter ever going to end? And love.  Rebel against the commercialization all you want (no, seriously, please do!), but a chance to celebrate love will always come down to a good thing in my books.

Fall in love with yourselfYes, even when I’m much more single than I’ve been in a while.

I posed the question How do you fall more in love with yourself over on my facebook page, and while I wanted to share an answer it’s much too long for a picture comment.

I fall more in love with myself by working on my relationship to me.  When you break that down, it’s 100 little things I do to remind myself I’m important to me, I like me, I find me attractive, I trust me, I want a future with me.  It’s basically all the things I do to grow any of my intimate connections turned inwards.

Specifically:

I speak love in a way that I can hear it.

When I want my lover to know I care, I make sure to use their love language.  When I want myself to know I care, I’m sure to speak in my love language – words of affirmation (like eye gazing with myself in the mirror and saying out loud I like you so much! Or writing love poems on my mirror to read each day) and quality time (planning solo date nights, or making time to give myself a manicure).  I had to scrap what other people told me signaled self love so I could find a way to express love in a way myself would actually hear.

I look good for me

This definitely isn’t top of the list for everyone, but as a femme I love using style to express myself and look good for myself.  That does not mean that I’m always dressed up.  Sometimes dressing for myself means giving myself an extra confidence boost; sometimes it means creating a cosy outfit when I’m feeling down or small and need to go out into the world anyways.  Style can be as much amour as it can be protection – but the key is that I’m doing it for me.

I listen to me

If something is off in my relationship with me, I need to be open to hearing that.  Just like in relationships with others you can’t burry your head in the sand and expect a problem to magically fix itself.  I check in with myself by taking note of my feelings and emotional landscape, and yes, sometimes that means sitting in some really sad feelings – but a key part of communication is listening.  And the better attention I’m paying to my own internal voice the faster I can move through bumps and continue a healthy, strong relationships with my most authentic self.  I work through my feelings and needs by journaling, reflecting to myself, and sometimes even working with a coach.

This weekend, in addition to being in the swampland of relationship grief, I’m going to spend some time loving on myself.  I’m not sure yet if that means a trip to a relaxing spa centre, enjoying wine and a candle lit dinner with myself, or even a big bowl of popcorn + Netflix marathon to finish off season 1 of Witches of East End.

How are you going to show yourself love this Valentines? Let me know in the comments, or send me an e-mail!

What’s the Beef with Masturbation?


Masturbation flowers

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Masturbation gets a bad rap, and I don’t know why.  What other free, simple, kinda activity you can do just about anywhere gets looked down on so much?  And I’m not even talking about so many religious stances on the topic.  I’m constantly running into otherwise sex positive people who treat masturbation like sex’s poor cousin.

People have their reasons… I suppose.  But, like a lot of things in life, I’m not willing to let anyone with an easy first answers.  Let’s tackle some of the most common objections, shall we?

Touching yourself down there is gross.  I want you to think back to where you first heard this.   Was it family?  Church?  Other kids of the schoolground?  Think carefully and critically about who gave you that message and what power they were trying to hold over you.  Your genitals are no more gross than any other part of your body.   Like some other body parts they can get a little funky being cooped up all day; but that’s what soap, water, and a good airing out are for.  And remember, only clean the bits outside your body – inside has it’s own cleaning system.

Masturbation penisIt’s not the same as sex with a partner.  No.  It likely isn’t.  But that’s actually part of the joy of masturbation – it adds variety to your sex life! Masturbation doesn’t have to be a poor replacement for the real thing, and if that’s what you’re trying to make it I’m not surprised to hear it isn’t living up to your expectations.  Consider making masturbation its own kind of pleasure:  time for you to connect with yourself without having to care about anyone else.

It’s not as satisfying as with my partner.  Let’s examine that a bit shall we?  What do you mean by satisfying?  Does it lack the emotional component?  How’s your emotional connection with yourself?  Believe it or not, this reflect in how we masturbate.  Pleasuring yourself – really taking the time to feel your body in all it’s wonderfulness is a fantastic way to show love to yourself.  And not just your genitals.  Touch yourself.  Appreciate the curve of your calf muscles; the length of your fingers, the line of your hips.    Does it not feel as good?  You can play with that too.  Try out different techniques, increase your foreplay time (after all, does your partner go straight to your genitals?), use lube, consider toys too! There are options for clitoral stimulation, penis stimulation, insertables (for fronts and backs!) – and more.  It is a big world of sex toys my friends; have fun exploring!

I don’t know what I’m doing.  Well, how much practice do you have?  If you’re newer to masturbation – or even to exploring your body, that’s no surprise.  Our bodies don’t come with instruction manuals; we have to write those ourselves.  Set aside some time for you to explore you without expectation.  I like to dim the lights and put on some music.  You might like to pour yourself a glass of wine and hope in the bathtub.  Or grab your favourite erotica and lay out on your living room couch.   Whatever you need to do to create a safe sexy space for yourself, do it.  Then simply let your hands wander.  If something feels good, follow that feeling and see where it leads.  Not feeling a spark – go back a paragraph and check out that last sentence again 😉

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Can I confess something?  We can still be friends is one of my most hated sentences in all relationship-speak.  Not because I don’t like friends – friends are clearly awesome; who else will be there for those special type of ethically/legally/morally questionable shenanigans?   [See reason #257 about why I care about helping you uncover your ideal sex life instead of teaching you how to have mine.]

No, I despise this sentence because of how thoughtlessly it’s often trotted out.  Either people can’t say no, so they offer friendship to soften the blow of rejecting the romantic relationship (regardless of what they really want), or it’s the post romance default status.

Friendship:  where old romantic relationships go to die.

Here’s some reasons why you might want to stay friends after a romantic break up:

  • The break up was mutual, affable, and you all genuinely want good things for each other’s future
  • You genuinely like your ex – they were a friend before you dated, and while you dated; why change that now?

And that’s kinda it.  You want to isn’t a good enough reason alone to cut it with me – I want to know what is driving your desires before I’m willing to sign off.

  • Is it because you’re desperate to keep them in your life in some way, and friendship is better than nothing?  I predict you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache my friend.
  • Is it because you think you can win them back?  Friending someone as a pretence for a romantic assault?  This all smells a little too friendzoneish to me.
  • Is it because you can’t imagine them not in your life.  That’s cool – but can you imagine them in your life without romantic relationship?  You know that feeling in your gut when you just want someone so much, but you don’t have them?  Is that what you want to set yourself up for?
  • Is it because you thinking not having everyone like you means you’ve somehow means you’re not a good person?

None of the above reasons have anything to do with the other people, but are actually about stuff you need to address within yourself.

I’m going to say something very clearly, pay attention:

A relationship that ends without friendship does not mean that relationship was a failure.

Sometimes we share a period of our life with people and then we part ways.  Simple as that.

Romance and friendship are not the same thing.  Offering friendship to ease your guilty conscious for disappointing someone, or even breaking their heart isn’t good for anyone.  First, it’s unfair to chain yourself to a yet another relationship you don’t truly want.  Seriously, forcing yourself into any sort of relationship, romantic or platonic, is all but guaranteed to end in resentment.  Second, it’s not fair to your ex to be insincere about what’s on the table and what isn’t.  Just as it sucks to take someone’s number and never call, it sucks to offer friendship without actually acting like a friend.

On the flip side of this; if you’re someone being offered post-break up friendship, think about if that’s the right move for you.

Forcing a friendship to keep someone happy when you’re healing isn’t going to work either.  Like the tweet that inspired this post said:

Keeping your ex in your life as a friend when you’re not truly ready to be their friend can make it harder to move forward.  Sometimes removing someone from your life is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

And I’m not talking parting ways hating each other either – we don’t have to split things into such a dichotomy.  There’s a whole spectrum of new relationships that can come out of a romantic relationship whose time has passed:  acquaintances, partners in crime, wingmen, fuck buddies, friends, social media friends, book club buddies.  Take a moment to think about your new found freedom – what kind of relationship (if any) do you want with this person now?  If you and your ex in agreement about where to go next the world is your oyster.

Remember, none of these decisions have to be made right away.  You can take space from each other for months, even years before you move onto a friendship if that is what it takes for you to truly be this person’s friend.  You don’t owe anyone friendship.  It’s okay to do what is best for you and your healing post break up.

Whatever happens after your relationship ends, let it be on your terms – not some default.
Not sure if you should be friends with your ex or not?  Perhaps this handy flow chart will help with that.  I know the text is small – there’s a lot to consider!  Click on the image to see a larger version

Should you be friends with your ex?

On Honestly, Vulnerability and Dating

I like attention – not in the please stop me and tell me I”ve got a great rack (even though I do), but being seen and heard, and having people show up with their full self to engage with me. I love being the centre of your universe – though only for a brief while, and I cherish being invited in.

I updated one of my online profiles to say that today.  It’s something I  know to be true about myself and important for someone considering a relationship with me to know.  I’ve known this about myself for a while, but I’ve been sitting on it.  Sitting on it because I was afraid of what putting this truth out there would mean; that I might now be seen a selfish, or demanding.  Or if I’d have to turn in my poly card for saying in this instance I don’t like to share in this way.  Or this might be the tipping point from yes to no.

We silence ourselves in so many ways when we’re looking for relationships.  Covering up the bits that make us inconvenient, or difficult or awkward.  Best to cast a wide net, right?  Hook as many as possible, so you can widdle down from there.

But the truth is casting a wide net is a bad idea for me.  I’m not the most easy going or convenient person to date.  I know what I want, what I’m willing to compromise on, and what I’m not.  Yes this does make me less desirable to a number of people out there in the world – but in turn, they aren’t all that desirable to me, and why should I place being desirable to someone above someone being desirable to me – after all; I have to be in the relationship too!

By putting my truest self upfront when dating helps the people who are interested in me, with all my uniqueness, quirks, and complexities find me, and starts any potential relationship off on a better foot.

Sometimes, the ways I try to shrink myself, to silence or lessen myself for someone else can feel immense, but really I know this isn’t true.  I know it’s not true because the very fact that I can now recognize when I’m disempowering myself is proof of how far I’ve come in my journey to living a sexually empowered life.

Empowerment: getting to this place, and staying in this place for me, has always been a case of recognizing the problems, figuring out how to do differently and the moving forward, better than before.  Not perfect, but better each and every time.

Honestly and vulnerability – two things that produce fear in me.  But, despite those fears, knowing I’m operating from a place of authenticity, and knowing what power that holds still feels pretty damn good.

My Favourite Sex Toy Shops

Since I’m about to spend the next few weeks talking about sex toys over on YouTube, I figured I should also give you some information about where I go to shop for my toys and sexy accouterments.

Some people have never thought twice about what kind of store they shop at; they get in, they get out, and they go about their day – no matter what they’re shopping for.  Me?  I like to shop places where the staff like to chat.  Because I like friendly staff, I like the idea that I can become known in a store I frequent often, and I really like to know the sales associates are gonna be cool when I tell my thick thighs are eating my tights, and not go all bug eyed because I talked about my fat.

Sex Shop are especially like that  for me.  With the exception of a few tried and true products I really want a store where I know I’ll feel comfortable talking to the associates about any questions, or any concerns I have, and I definitely don’t want them sending any negative vibes my way.    When I’m working with clients who are nervous about sex toy shopping and want a welcoming, truly sex positive, comfortable (or, at least, as comfortable as possible) experience, these are the stores I recommend.  Try them out – try a few of them out, see what you like, and don’t about each place, who staff gives the recommendations that fit your style best, and don’t forget to give a peek to all the non toy extras like workshops, tours, podcasts, and events.

Comes as You Are – Toronto – my local haunt.  Staff are always friendly, knowledgeable, and have done special orders just so I could get the sexuality books I’ve wanted over the years.

Good For Her LogoGood for Her – Toronto –  Also the store that hosts the Feminist Porn Awards, and has special hours for women and trans* shoppers only.   True story: once, Tristan Toamino helped me look for something in the store.  No, she doesn’t work there, she was just in town for the Feminist Porn and helped me do some shopping!

The rest of the list I haven’t shopped at personally, but I’ve met their founders, owners, associates, educators – someone from the store – and know enough about their philosophy and style to be comfortable recommending them to you.

Babeland-20anniversary-group-grey-magentaBabeland – Seattle, New York, Brooklyn –  I’m not sure if it’s just been my luck, but every Babeland employee I’ve met in my travels is fun on a stick, with enough creativity to make just about every idea I’m wondered about out loud into a reality.

Good Vibrations – San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, Palo Alto, Massachusetts – The majority of my favourite Sex Educators have worked at these stores at some point in their careers.  In addition to toys,  Good Vibes has a serious educational focus which really scores points with a workshop junkie like me.

Pleasure Chest – Chicago, New York, Los Angeles – Since 1971 y’all!  In addition to being a great store, these are the minds behind Sex Is Back, which is a website dedicated to people sharing their stories, experiences, fears, and funny-as-fuck moments around sex.  Check out my clips!

TSKLogoStickerSmitten Kitten – Minneapolis –  Consistently the company responsible for the sex ed video I”m watching, and one of the leaders in bringing your safer, non-toxic toys.

All of these stores do have online sales – but when you aren’t sure what you want, I really recommend an in person visit so you can get a proper look at the options, put them in your hands and ask any “silly” questions that might come up.

That list is not even remotely exhaustive; so if you want to see more check out The Redhead Beadhead on her Super Hero Sex Shops Tour.

Happy shopping!

How to Not be “That Guy” Review

A few weeks back I was able to attend a seminar by Charlie Glickman and Sabrina Morgan entitled How Not to be “That Guy” at Playground conference.  If you’re a twitter follower of mine, you already know I was tweeting a bunch that weekend; but I didn’t feel right live tweeting in that space.  For me, “creepiness” is such a loaded and often shameful topic for people I didn’t want to risk people feeling like they couldn’t share honestly and openly.  So instead I made notes to share with y’all.

As someone who is super enthusiastic – yes, sometimes to the point of making other’s uncomfortable – and has a lot of strong, forward energy, creepy is an issue near and dear to my heart.  I know I’ve left a creeper impression in some people’s minds, and I’m often aware of managing my energy  lust so that people I’m interested in aren’t feeling uncomfortable around me.  So despite the gendered title, the workshop was of interest to me for personal reasons – it’s good to know how to not be “that guy”.  Plus, the (visible) gender split it the room was about equal, and during a poll everyone expressed concerns about being seen as creepy.  The desire to not be taken as creepy?  Pretty universal.

Space RulesFirst we set some rules for the space – my own addition, compassion, is covered in the photo; but was accepted gratefully.  I’m not sure if it’s my own awkward past, or just my general nature, but it’s been my experience that people making effort to not be seen as creepy do so with some big emotional investment, which is important to honor; I’m happy our space did that.

Next we got right into discussing what it means to be creepy.  This is always a bit of a tricky exercise as most people, noted Dr. Glickman,  rarely define creepy stating instead they know it when they see it – but opening up the floor for brainstorming gave us this:

  • Hyper attentiveness or focus on one person
  • Over exuberance
  • Selfishness / lack of consideration for “me” in a conversation
  • Inauthenticity, or sensing that someone is hiding their true intention

I would add:

  • Unexplained knowledge about the other person or over-familiarity; social media can often make us feel more intimately connected to someone; but unless they’ve been engaging back, that’s only one way.  You might feel you know then, but they don’t know you
  • Disrespecting social norms; particularly around personal space, eye contact, and conversational flow.
  • Repeated passive hinting without a direct ask.  Especially if the hints get more aggressive.  Women, I think, are most likely to fall into this trap; if one has been raised with  good girls don’t ask for it ideals, it can be difficult to be upfront with their desires, leaving them do to this pseudo coy dance around questions they clearly want to ask, but won’t.

After that we moved onto some strategies of engaging with people.  The focus was definitely on providing invitation and then creating space (as opposed to pressure) for the other person.  I love the invitation for two reasons; first it lets people opt in to what’s happening, and second it pushes people to step up and take part in their own sexual experiences.  Too often I think we move the conversation towards how to win people over instead of expecting to step up and claim their desire.  Some great asks were provided by Charlie: If it works for you, if you’re interested, if you’re available; – the “if” making it clear that you’re only interested in doing an activity if the other person is too.

Can I be honest?  I haven’t mastered the art of if/then asks yet – I feel like such a goober when I say that; I’m more direct/forthright/blunt/selfish – which is great in some ways,  but can also be really off putting for people who aren’t used to that level of forward.  After all, if flirting is playful game of catch, hurling a ball full force at someone isn’t going to be fun for them.  Luckily Sabrina had my favourite tip of the session:  coating direct asks within general banter can make obtaining consent more mainstream friendly.  Banter to soften the ask?  That I can do!

My other favourite sessions bits came from discussing why we’re engaging with others; how seeking sex/relationships/connection as an external method of validation puts so much pressure on asking, and affects how we take being turned down.  This is so true!  When getting that laid/dates/whateva become a way of measuring our desirability or worthiness as people we invest so much into the outcome that we can’t see that a no is always more about someone else doing what’s right for them than.  Instead, we internalize it as hit against our self-worth.  Did I say this was so true? Y’all – simply by being you are worthy of connection and love.  Someone not wanting to have coffee with you, or cuddle with you, or have sex with you does not diminish this.

We rounded out the hour by talking about exit strategies – how to gracefully excuse ourselves from conversations: thank people for the conversation, let them know you enjoyed chatting with them; perhaps even provide them with information about how to get in touch – or find you later – should they want to.  And no, giving someone your room number is not a graceful exist strategy; employ that one with caution.

My one frustration came from the Q and A period; because as always the conversation turned to the feelings of the people who don’t mean to be creepy, but are; and the convo shifted a bit to giving people more chances, and really, asking people to put aside their gut instincts, which frustrates me.  I know I take a firm line on this, so it’s hard to hear that conversation without it reading to me like back peddling; so while I don’t completely begrudge that discussion I’m super over it.   How do you sit for an hour talking about how to make space comfortable for others, and switch immediately back to expecting people to manage your feels?

We need to remember something.  Statistically speaking; it is almost guaranteed that if you’re talking with a woman, you’re talking with someone who has experienced some form of non-consensual experience; be that street harassment, be that assault, be that sexual assault – or an attempted sexual assault.  Almost guaranteed.  So instead of being mad at women have their boundaries up, show the same consideration you would want for yourself and consider why she’s behaving as she does.  Consider it an opportunity to prove you aren’t a creeper simply by respecting where she’s at.  It is a low bar; I have faith you can clear it.

Let’s Talk About (Safer) Sexy Baby!

You know this is something you have to talk about with your lovers right?  No.  Really.  It’s pretty amazing to me that people manage to work past the awkward enough to get to this stage – but then flounder of this conversation.

It doesn’t have to be super longer; it doesn’t have to break the mood – and if you know your facts on STI’s it doesn’t have to freak anyone out.  In the video below I lay out the 3 things you need to cover before you get down, so you focus on feeling good – not your health risk.

Happy International Fisting Day!

Sprung out of attempted censorship, International Fisting Day is all about shedding light on an activity that is fun for some, scary to others, and definitely a topic that doesn’t get much airplay.

So today we’re boosting that airplay and talking about fisting!

Fisting falls under the category of hand sex – using the fingers, hands and fists to fuck with – and you can do it vaginally or anally.  It’s a super safe way to have sex (zero risk of pregnancy and STI transmission), and doesn’t require anyone to maintain an erection, which is a selling point for some people.  This is an activity that takes some warm up; even if you’re an experienced player, so be prepared to make a night (or two) of it.

My one single beef with fisting is that it’s often a goal focused activity for people.  Much like some only consider sex “successful” if an orgasm happens, some people only consider fisting “successful” if you get the entire fist in.  Phooey on that, says I.  Hand sex, just like any other type of sex, is just as much about the journey and the pleasure that comes with that journey rather than any fixed point.  Feel free to rename this act to something less goal focused if it helps you (me?  I like vaginal spluenking), and take a moment with your partner (or partners) to affirm that this is about exploration and pleasure – not meeting a goal.

fisting-dos-and-donts

Whether you’re a fisting veteran or new to this particular sex act, today is an awesome day to learn more!  Here are some places around the web that you can do that:


Happy explorations – and don’t forget the lube!

No. You cannot have this.

You know what?  I get that out there it isn’t safe™.   Being in the wrong area of town could put me at increased risk of harm.  Walking alone at night could put me at increased risk of harm.  Wearing the “wrong” outfit could put me at increased risk of harm.  Drinking with anyone who seems like they might be fun to get tispy with puts me at increased risk of harm.

Can we just be honest?  Everything puts me at increased risk of harm.

Every.  Damn.  Thing.

Let’s be really honest here:  the biggest risk to my well being is being a woman who lives in a world where not everyone believe I have the right to bodily autonomy.  My biggest risk factors come from beyond myself and I will never be able to control them.

I make choices each and every day to mitigate those risks.  My life includes balancing my perceived of safety with my actual potential for risk, with my feelings of insecurity with my frustrations with being a walking target just for leaving my house just as naturally as it balances breathing and walking.

Why?  Because I’ve been getting the message since I was little.  It’s not safe™ to be a woman out there.

So in here?  Here in my body, in my spirit and my feelings and my soul?  This space is mine, and if you think you, or anyone else gets to say a damn thing about how I feel in my body, you’ve got another think coming.

My body is not dangerous simply for existing.  My desire isn’t dangerous simply for existing.

Not unless everyone else’s is too – and that includes men.

If something were inherently dangerous it would need to be dangerous for all people – not just certain people.  And there definitely wouldn’t be a danger-within-a-danger for subgroups within that larger group (women of colour, indigenous women, disabled women).  As Jaclyn Friedman points out: “Rape is not a risk inherent in unregulated partying or sexual behavior. Need proof? Consider this: It’s not a risk for nearly half the population”

I’m sick of the bullshit double standard, my desire for adventure, my desire for passion and sexuality the way I like it puts me at risk because someone might “mistake” what makes me happy in life for an open invitation to my body.

Unless that is that what you’re talking about?  That you believe people can’t actually control themselves?  That you believe we run on pure instinct and impulse with no ability to apply logic, rationale or restraint.  And if that’s the case, are you actually a part of this thing we call society; or are you off learning how to be the next General Bison?

The very reason I expect just as much respect from men as I do from any other gender is because I believe them to be capable of things like rational and restraint.  I believe that they can view people beyond themselves as human’s deserving of the same rights and respect that they too have.  Nothing about seeing men as people and not animals should be shocking.  Nothing.

I keep hearing that feminism hates men; and yet when I see it pared with the argument of women take care, men are dangerous, I have to wonder who really hates men.  Me, or you?

5 Things I’ve Learned about Closure

I’ll be fine once I get closure – it’s a funny word, eh?  Closure.  Like once we get past some line in the sand we’ll never feel hurt when thinking of that ex, or that relationship again.  Of course that’s an oversimplification though, isn’t it? The distancing and moving past relationships that didn’t work out as we hoped  (be they a madcap weekend affair, or a marriage that’s fallen apart) is part of a larger process of self-care and healing….but it can be really difficult to keep that perspective when you’re right in the thick of it.    Here are some of the things I’ve learned about that process, both in my own personal life, and through helping clients find closure.

1.   Time doesn’t always heals wounds, but it will dull them.
Funny thing about humans.  We have a habit of glorifying the past – I think it’s a survival mechanism.  We keep fond memories fresh by reliving them through thoughts and daydreams – sometimes even embellishing them to be even more fantastic.  Hurts and painful memories, however, we shove away, not wanting to dwell there.  Unfortunately that method doesn’t allow us to work through our pain; but it does create space from the sharpest, most intense pain.

2.   You can’t suddenly be friends with someone you never were friends with.
We’re still going to be friends!  How many times have you heard or said that affect after a break up?  How many times have you actually meant it?  I don’t bare many of my exes ill will, but few of us are friends either.  Friendships are like any other relationship that needs to be developed, and when I meet someone attractive, I often choose to nurture the romantic connection over the platonic connect.  So when the romantic connection fizzled, often nothing remains.  Why try and force a new connection?  Do you really need more friends?  It’s okay to let people leave your life when they don’t really have a place in it anymore.

3.  You can choose to walk away

Tupac

Tupac Shakur was a wise man.  At some point you need to clean up your shit around past hurts, and relationship baggage – but that doesn’t have to be today; and you most certainly don’t have to stop your life to do it.  Sometimes calling it like you see it and walking away is exactly what you need to do.

4.   Walking away is not the same thing as running away.
There’s a difference between recognizing problems you can’t fix right now and ignoring them.  Nowhere above does it say pretend nothing has gone wrong; pretending there is no crap leaves us at risk of walking right back into it.  Being aware of a problem means you can recognize its tell-take signs and learn how to avoid walking right back into that mess with your next relationship.

5.   The best person to give you closure is you.
When we look to other people to provide solutions to our problems we give them our power – not even remotely the healthiest choice to make when getting over anything.  Tying your closure to your ex-partner/lover/spouse/whatever keeps you linked to them when what you really need to be focusing on is forging ahead on your own path.  If they weren’t helping you when they had a vested interest in the relationship, they certainly aren’t going to help you now.  It’s time to take your power back.

There are things we can do to speed up the process of finding closure and moving beyond the pain and disappointment of a relationship that didn’t work out as we hoped.  Facing our fears and insecurities head on, actively removing your ex from your daily life, or working with a coach to keep yourself accountable are just a few.   If it’s time for you to start working on your closure, check out my Closure Checklist for a great way to kick start the process.

 

 

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